Illumination

Even though you may not realize it and I may not be perfect at it, since I was fourteen I've been dedicated to rooting out darkness and bringing light back into the world, in whatever way that I can.

The tricky part about that is how at ease I am in the dark.

I come from a good background, but, through my own faults, I've seen a darker side of reality. A lot of people don't know this, but back when I was a kid a good part of the reason we moved to Utah was because of how bad things got for me in Arizona. I've struggled with depression in and out for years. I've lost loved ones to the grave and I've lost friends to life. I've helped people through their darkest moments when they needed a friend most.

After a while, I guess I got comfortable with it. With myself really, because the darkest things I've had to face have come from inside me. For those of you who really know Josh today, you know a guy who is comfortable, but not satisfied, with who he is.

As I realized in my poem a few months ago, I belong in the dark. I was made for it. But not to bask in it or to feed on it, but to keep it at bay.

My method of fighting for a better world up to this point has involved wading into the dark and swallowing it while keeping my darkness at bay and my light flickering onward.

The problem is that that isn't good enough anymore.

See, there are two ways of fighting for the light. You can do what I've done or you can be a conduit for light yourself. Rather than keeping the darkness at bay, you can give light and drive it away.

That is by far the better approach. The trick is that it also requires much more of you, or, at least, of me.

I belong in the dark, but now I need to find some way to make myself a conduit for the light. Instead of caging my darkness I have to expel it. Instead of keeping my light alive, I have to feed it and let it grow.

Actually, that isn't true. I have to learn to channel the goodness and grace of Jesus Christ much better than I have been doing. Because, when it comes down to it, I am not capable of lighting the darkness on my own. I'm not bright enough. I need him. The people of Korea need him. Not me.

I'm standing at the precipice of a deep plunge into the deep. The only comfort I take comes from the story of the Brother of Jared. To bring light to the darkness of the depths of the sea, the Lord touched stones that had been molten and shaped until they were pure and clear. Originally, they were just rocks, but through pressure and heat they came to be pure enough that the light from Christ could shine through them and bring light to the depths of the dark sea.

I am not yet one of those rocks, but, God willing, I intend to be.

My necklace has more than just a symbol of Jesus Christ on it. Every day when I put it on, I am directed to John 8:12. "Then spake Jesus unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."

It's time to earn that.

"Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself." - Victor Frankl