Zombie Survival Plan A

My roommates and I sat down last night after watching the Walking Dead and created our survival plan for the zombie apocalypse. Rather than having to go all Will Smith and wait on a pier every day when the sun is highest in the sky, I'm going to give you that plan right now so that you can potentially join our merry band. Easton and Jacob, feel free to correct me if I mess something up

The assumption is that we all wake up one morning and 90% or so of the population has become zombified overnight. Actually, I guess that means that 10% of us wake up as the rest of us are zombies...but nonetheless.

Firstly, we take a couple hours to gather supplies (food, clothing, weapons, etc). Priorities are dense canned foods and water containers. When the time comes to leave our apartment, we are going to wrap our forearms in duct tape as a sort of makeshift armor. When zombies come at us, we can then "feed" them our forearms, which they will try to bit into, then knife them in the heads. Making our break with as many supplies as we can carry, we head for Easton's car and haul as far as we can on the way to the safest place I can think of: my cul-de-sac. Eventually, the road will be blocked or become impassible so we ditch the car and try to travel as carefully and quietly to Highland as we can. Along the way, we want to head to a sporting goods store. Survivors will be competing initially for guns and food, baseball bats and football pads won't be quite as immediately sought after, but they could potentially be just as effective vs the zombies, if not competing survivors.

The appeal of Highland is three fold: Firstly, whatever is left of my family and friends will be there. Secondly, Roy Banks and his arsenal will be there, making it the safest place in Utah Valley. He can't be stopped, as it were. Thirdly, God willing, Timberly will still be alive as we'll need his outdoors experience. Once my little team gets there, we can join up with my neighbors and arm ourselves to some degree or another. Then we set out for St. George. Because the roads will probably be blocked, we intend to try and scavenge motorcycles and off road vehicles. Gas shouldn't be a huge problem unless it is being protected by other survivors. An alternative option involves stealing some fire trucks, which should be able to push through a few cars and carry a sizable water supply.

Saint George is the survive-the-winter area. It is isolated enough that zombies shouldn't be able to arrive very often from outside. The group could base outside of the city far enough away that zombies could be seen approaching, but close enough for frequent supply runs. It is also temperate enough that a winter without power should be pretty survivable.

After a winter without food, most of the zombies and survivors should be dead. From here the plan is to head to the coast. Travel might be difficult, but the hardest part will be making it through a city to our real target: a cruise ship. If we can find a ship that hasn't already been claimed by another group of survivors, I'd be amazed. I'd also be pleasantly surprised if said group was friendly.

If, however, we can take a cruise ship, we don't have to know how to use it. All we have to do is cast off a little ways. Using bed sheets and lifeboats as makeshift sailing ships, we can make sorties into town to gather supplies and books. Navigational and operational knowledge gained from the books should enable the group, over time, to make a journey to an island somewhere where we can start society over.

I shall call the island New Eden, as it shall be the birthplace of new humanity. I thought it was cute. I also call taking point on scavenging expeditions. I feel like I could sneak around zombies pretty well, though I should probably bring a teammate that can actually find things...

Ok, maybe I'll stay in camp and guard the latrines.

Actually, forget about that. I call being that one guy who gets zombified right as everything seems to be working out. I give Jaybear full permission to put me down, as he may the most experienced (virtual) zombie slayer in the group. Should he fail, I would like the group to start some sort of cult with me as the undead pope.

Happy ending. Minus at least 90% of humanity. But you can't win them all, eh?

My Funeral

In the course of my life, I have given an inordinate amount of thought to the way I want to go out.

Well sort of.

The way I die is important I guess, but I tend to think more about the way I want my funeral to be. I don't care to make a legal will at this time, so this will be my unofficial official request for the program.

Ya'll ready for this?

I suppose there are two paths that my funeral could take. The sad path and my path. For the sad path, my only requests are that it be short, we keep the invitations to a minimum, and that my ashes be scattered into some part of the ocean, preferably in a spot where it would be illegal to do so, to the tune of the last two minutes or so of "the Bridge of Khazad Dum."

Now my path.

I want to make certain that my funeral is, in fact, a laughing matter. For starters, I don't want a closed casket with a line of mourners walking past, I want my skeleton to be replaced with a remote controlled mechanical skeleton complete with a speaker system somewhere in my mouth. Ideally, this will not only give the children something to do, but allow my body to walk around delivering prerecorded messages. I hope to great people at the door, give high fives, and say those offensive, unfiltered things that you know and love me for.

The playlist should include the following.

Dumb Ways to Die

Time of Dying - Three Days Grace

That bye, bye, bye song by the Backstreet Boys. Wait, do they think they are thug enough for a Boyz? Meh.

Highway to Hell - ACDC

That Ring of Fire song. This one serves the dual purpose of highlighting the "Josh went to Hell" message and driving people away if they decide to stick around too long. After two hours, just set it to loop.

Take the Money and Run - the Steve Miller Band: to be played at whenever my possessions are being discussed.

Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees

Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

I'll Be In the Sky - BoB

(Don't Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

Grenade - Bruno Mars

Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons

Swing Life Away - Rise Against

Pain - Three Days Grace

Get Out Alive - Three Days Grace

50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Skyway Avenue - We the Kings

Additionally, I want a halftime show of some sort. I want two talks, the first being a roast and the second a compilation of the funniest things I've ever said. For each, I want people to try out for a panel of judges, who will determine their aptitude based on ability rather than familial connection. In between I want either a dance off or some kind of a group lightsaber fight in the chapel to be led by the Banks. 

My body/ashes are to be handed over to a group of drunk native Americans who will then throw me in the back of a truck and attempt to drive me to the nearest dumpster, screaming Indian war cries the whole while. Mourners may feel free to either follow them over or depart with all haste to avoid the non-negotiably drunk drivers.

Following this scene, please feel free to take your children for a milkshake or therapy as their needs may dictate.

Ooh, and if you could somehow turn me black first, that would be prime.

Feel free to leave suggestions and comments below.