My Funeral

In the course of my life, I have given an inordinate amount of thought to the way I want to go out.

Well sort of.

The way I die is important I guess, but I tend to think more about the way I want my funeral to be. I don't care to make a legal will at this time, so this will be my unofficial official request for the program.

Ya'll ready for this?

I suppose there are two paths that my funeral could take. The sad path and my path. For the sad path, my only requests are that it be short, we keep the invitations to a minimum, and that my ashes be scattered into some part of the ocean, preferably in a spot where it would be illegal to do so, to the tune of the last two minutes or so of "the Bridge of Khazad Dum."

Now my path.

I want to make certain that my funeral is, in fact, a laughing matter. For starters, I don't want a closed casket with a line of mourners walking past, I want my skeleton to be replaced with a remote controlled mechanical skeleton complete with a speaker system somewhere in my mouth. Ideally, this will not only give the children something to do, but allow my body to walk around delivering prerecorded messages. I hope to great people at the door, give high fives, and say those offensive, unfiltered things that you know and love me for.

The playlist should include the following.

Dumb Ways to Die

Time of Dying - Three Days Grace

That bye, bye, bye song by the Backstreet Boys. Wait, do they think they are thug enough for a Boyz? Meh.

Highway to Hell - ACDC

That Ring of Fire song. This one serves the dual purpose of highlighting the "Josh went to Hell" message and driving people away if they decide to stick around too long. After two hours, just set it to loop.

Take the Money and Run - the Steve Miller Band: to be played at whenever my possessions are being discussed.

Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees

Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

I'll Be In the Sky - BoB

(Don't Fear) The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

Grenade - Bruno Mars

Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons

Swing Life Away - Rise Against

Pain - Three Days Grace

Get Out Alive - Three Days Grace

50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Skyway Avenue - We the Kings

Additionally, I want a halftime show of some sort. I want two talks, the first being a roast and the second a compilation of the funniest things I've ever said. For each, I want people to try out for a panel of judges, who will determine their aptitude based on ability rather than familial connection. In between I want either a dance off or some kind of a group lightsaber fight in the chapel to be led by the Banks. 

My body/ashes are to be handed over to a group of drunk native Americans who will then throw me in the back of a truck and attempt to drive me to the nearest dumpster, screaming Indian war cries the whole while. Mourners may feel free to either follow them over or depart with all haste to avoid the non-negotiably drunk drivers.

Following this scene, please feel free to take your children for a milkshake or therapy as their needs may dictate.

Ooh, and if you could somehow turn me black first, that would be prime.

Feel free to leave suggestions and comments below.