I've had a lot of chances to discover new things about myself. Some things I like, some things I don't, but they're all definite parts of who I am at this time.
I should disclaimer this like Ryan disclaimered (yes, I made that word up. Bite me. Figuratively.) his love for Kelly in the Office. I don't know if I'll be the same way next year, or in a month, or even tomorrow, but for now, this is who I am. Additionally, this isn't a very funny post, so don't have too high of hopes if you continue reading.
I am disillusioned.
I used to be a realist. I used to think that if we just did our best than that was enough. It isn't any more. But I also no longer have any illusions that we will ever be better. The easiest way I can explain this is in politics, but it applies to the rest of life as well.
I used to be big into politics. Obnoxiously so. Just ask Jayden. I used to follow current events, study out issues, then come to decisions. And I would take my decisions and fight for them. Even though those beliefs changed, they always accompanied an assumption that people were inherently good and wanted what was best for each other. They always came with the assumption that if we worked together and tried to fix things, they would be fixed.
Those assumptions have faded.
Now I'm an idealist. I know what the most important thing in the world is (Romans 13:9) and I want people to move towards it, but the fact is that no one listens. I want people to love each other, but there's no room in this world for it. There is only anger, contention, and hate.
I guess that isn't entirely true. To me, the world is like a cloudy sky. Most all the light is shrouded in darkness, but when it manages to break through it looks all the more spectacular for it. I want to clear out the clouds and usher in a radiant dawn. But it isn't going to happen. I've lost my faith in humanity at large. People talk about wanting peace all over the world, but they only will accept it on their terms. At home, we've become so caught up in pride that whenever we try to talk about an issue we reject all views besides our own as closed minded without even noticing the hypocrisy.
Unity is one of the most important issues to me now. It supersedes gay rights, abortion, and illegal immigration. Logically, I feel like everyone realizes that, "A house divided against itself cannot stand," yet our country continues to split down the middle. It isn't worth it any more. It isn't worth the fight. As of about a month ago, I benched myself from politics and I won't return until my faith in humanity is restored and I believe I can do so without further dividing the people who need to come together.
On an unrelated note, I'm getting more and more selective.
Maybe that isn't the right word. Picky? Confident? Cocky?
Regardless, this applies primarily to women. No offense to any particular individuals, but I view women as a whole to be lower than I once viewed them. I used to sort of idealize girls, in a way, but that illusion is gone. With it is the way that I approach dating. I used to be decently shy and reserved because I didn't think I deserved the girls that I dated. That view has reversed. Now I'm cocky (yeah, that might be the best word here) enough to ask out anyone, but I'm harsh in judgement and I have really high expectations. I've been told that I have a type and that is completely true. I keep learning more and more about that type, but the things I do know are a bit like a checklist that I go through. Unless someone makes a fantastic first impression, there won't be a date number two, and I'm not likely to waste my time as friends either.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still a nice guy. I still treat girls with respect, for the most part, even if I don't respect them all internally.
I'm mostly just a jerk on the inside. But you would be surprised at what a change that makes in the way things happen for me.
The third big change came as a shift of priorities from change to creation. This is a more optimistic change and one that is less likely to get me labeled a misogynist. For my entire life, I've wanted to do something incredible. I wanted to make a change in the world that made things better. I wanted to have at least one thing that made people look back and say to themselves, "Holy crap. He did it." However, as part of my afore mentioned lack of faith in humanity, I not only doubt now whether I could make a difference like that, but whether people would deserve it if I could.
But while I was talking with one of my old friends, my perspective shifted. I realized that I have the ability to do something much better than change the way things are. I get to create things. Myself. My life. My family. My life is a book that has yet to be written, and I have the pen. It's a change from being told that you couldn't clean Bernini's David to being given a chisel and a block of marble. Thanks to this paradigm shift, I've been finding it easier to just be content with the way things are, even though not everything lives up to my ridiculous ideals.
Also, I removed myself from the market about a week ago. I'm just too close to my mission for anything of value to happen, even to Dr. Desire.
So instead I'll keep reading the Way of Kings, inventing superheroes, and praying that the season finale of the Walking Dead doesn't feature the death of Daryl Dixon. Whitlock out.
